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Media Article # 432
Article prepared and posted by Stan Courtney

Thursday, July 27, 1972

Local Monster Might Need Good Attorney

Cairo Evening Citizen

If the monster supposedly spotted in Missouri and Illinois. ever comes out of hiding, he'd better bring a good lawyer-the IRS wants to chat.

And when the Internal Revenue Service is through, the Selective Service Administration and the Bureau of Immigration and Naturalization are waiting.

For the past several days persons near Louisiana, Mo., have reported seeing something hairy, smelly and more than seven feet tall.

Tuesday, Randy Emert, 18, of Peoria said he'd seen it, and Wednesday a jogger in Cairo, reported a sighting.

Some contend the creature comes from outer space.

Maybe, but it would still have to pay taxes says Thomas Hayes of Chicago IRS office.

“Technically…if it earned income while resident in the United States,” it would have to file a tax return, said Hayes. Failure to file would mean a fine or imprisonment, he said. If Whatever-It-Is is between 18 and 35 years old, Uncle Sam wants it, as spokesman for the Chicago Selective Service office said.

Hairy and smelly it may be, but if it’s a resident alien-alien from where doesn’t matter-it must register for the draft, the spokesman said.

Alien from where is what troubles the Bureau of Naturalization and Immigration, says a spokesman for the director’s office. Every January 1, every alien must file both his old address and his present one-if he doesn’t, he’s subject to $100 fine and deportation, the spokesman said.

However, it’s “entitled to due process and the full protection of the Constitution,” the office said.

Deportation, if it came to that, might pose a problem with an interstellar alien.

“We’d have to get together with NASA," the spokesman mused. “Our budget is only $143 million and I’m not sure we could afford the fare.”

On the local government level, Cairo Police Commissioner James Dale has announced his policy toward the alien. He said Wednesday he’s going to make anyone seeing it submit to a breathalizer test for alcohol content.

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